I Don't Know What I'm Doing & New Podcast

Hello Beautiful Humans,

At the risk of making Museum of Self all about me (which I really hope isn't what it turns into) this week's existential exploration is a journal entry. I first dig into my own shadowy aspects that gets in the way of creative flow, then move into my so-called golden shadow.

The purpose here isn't to dwell in my dark night of the soul, more to liberate this feeling by giving it the attention it deserves. I feel a cringe as I share this, and know I'm here be honest and do the work, even if it's uncomfortable. As Carl Jung said, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

And speaking of the power of accepting our (seemingly) unacceptable parts, I share a new podcast episode with Ashanti Branch, who leads an inspiring organization that brings emotional literacy to schools by helping humans take off emotional masks. You can jump in here or find it after the journal.

Much love,

David, human @ Museum of Self

There's a thought that loves to linger in the background of my mind, whispering sweet insecurities into my ear. It does a wonderful job of haunting my psyche.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It is amazing how scary those words are to say to myself, and even more so, to you. Yet instead of letting it stay in the shadows, I'm going to invite it here fully, to hear it out.

I do this while knowing this voice is part of me, yet not all of me.

I don't know what I'm doing with Museum of Self.

As I say that to myself, I feel a pit in my stomach as if I've been hit. Beneath this uncertainty I feel fear.. so let's name those.

• I'm afraid of failing and not being able to turn inspiration into a project that resonates, or losing integrity with the project just so it resonates
• I'm afraid others don't understand this project and being judged negatively
• I'm afraid of who I need to become to hold this project with integrity

Reading these fears I see how I'm judging myself for having them, for feeling lost and insecure. Taking a breath and softening, I feel power in seeing truth of my words.

Yet I also sense anger here..

• I feel angry I don't have clarity on the form of this project will take and how progress feels so slow
• I'm angry that I'm doing this to myself, as if part of me resents having said yes
• I feel angry I haven't found a way to invite collaborators onto this project and that I feel isolated

I feel my jaw clench. And I can't forget shame..

• I feel shame that I don't have clarity on the bullet points above
• I feel shame that others will read the bullets on this page and judge me negatively

Reading this shame, I feel wetness behind my eyes and notice my body wants to contract. And I feel lighter. Knowing these shadows in my psyche exist not only inside me, but also here, lightens my load.

I know the voice to be part of me. The vulnerable parts I'm afraid of. And if I am to experience my wholeness, it isn't helpful to deny or be at war against any part of myself. My wholeness must allow space for my brokenness.

The Golden Shadow

Beyond this haunting doubt, in an effort to bring anything I'm hiding to light, I'll also claim positive aspects. What's kind of amazing is these can feel just as hard if not harder (for me) to name than the darker tones. There's the concept of the golden shadow, the part of our psyche we're afraid of claiming – perhaps where our gifts live – as we tend to be afraid of our own greatness.

• I feel joy I'm allowing myself to explore a wave of inspiration that's been with me for 5 years and this is the most creative I've felt so far in my life, cultivating new creative capacities like writing and podcasting
• I feel joy that the inspiration wave/muse/daemon behind Museum of Self wants to collaborate with me, and I trust both myself and the world will be transformed for the better by working on Museum of Self
• I feel joy at the vision of people understanding themselves so deeply they love the whole world

I'm in an internal family systems (IFS) coaching program and one concept they introduced is 'unburdening'. There's more advanced ways to do this, yet simply by naming our sometimes shadowy parts, we can see ourselves in a new way and often feel lighter, as we aren't avoiding them nor overly identifying with them.

New Podcast: Taking Off Masks with Ashanti Branch

Speaking of feeling lighter by sharing the parts of us we want to hide, here's a new podcast with Ashanti Branch.

"What does it mean to cry, what does it mean to be sad, what does it mean to be afraid? If you’ve been told all your life those aren’t welcome, those aren’t acceptable ways to be, then maybe you turn it off, and maybe you never explore the parts of you that need to be explored." - Ashanti Branch

I found Ashanti's passion for creating spaces to take off the masks we wear to be totally contagious. In our conversation we discuss his path to starting Ever Forward Club, an organization helping students achieve their potential by creating high-trust spaces to take off emotional masks in schools. I feel this is the revolution we need in education systems.

What complex creatures we are! Are there any shadows that might lighten up by taking a look at them, perhaps with some journaling? What golden shadow and gifts are you hiding from yourself?

Have a good week, beautiful humans.